Saturday, 21 January 2012

An actual new start

My boyI really fucked things up with the guy I wrote about in the last post, like really badly fucked things up, I was an absolute asshole,  we broke up and I got another boyfriend, who was a jerkoff who I didn't want to be with in the fucking first place, he just asked me infront of his friends so i had to say yes, but he cheated on me the day we got together so all is good and well..
the guy i fucked things up with? We've been together just over a month now and i love everything about him.. I never thought i could feel the way I do, the love i have for Danny is stronger than the love i ever had for jordan, Danny is the best thing that could of happened to me, even though i fucked it up, he noticed i wanted a second chance, that i had changed and that i'm in love with him. At first he treated me like a piece of shit, which is understandable, I was an absolute twat, but now we're happy together, the happiest I've ever been, I love him so much and I really do feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Would you be faithful to me?

Well, I completely lied in my last post, I wanted to see if I could write to fool people, I wanna be able to convince people things are true. I think I did an okay job, but not the best in the world, yet.
But here's what's actually happening in my life at the moment, I found the most amazing boyfriend in the world, I fucked it up, now I don't know what to do. He sometimes acts as if he wants to talk to me, then others he's a complete cunt.. He's pushing me away, and he's told me that's what he's doing.. But I don't know how long it's going to take for him to push me away completely, I don't want to lose him, but it's hard..
I can't write any more, I've got writers block, I just don't know what to say about the whole situation, but.. Things are okay.. kind of..

So I guess he's my favourite, right?

Been so busy with college and looking for a job, i haven't had time to write in my blog, I've got so much to let out, because i can't do it anywhere else.
Like I said in my last blog that I posted, me and Jordan broke up, we were on the verge of getting back together at one point, but we both couldn't do it to ourselves any more, we have grown up, grown apart, reading my first 3 blogs about him, about us, hurts so fucking much, SO fucking much, realising how much he meant to me, how much i fucking loved that boy, how we watched each other grow up.. Sounds so cliché, but so true, I loved him with everything I had, 3 years of your life with someone, you would think you grow very attached. I remember every single thing about him, and it's been about 7 months since we last broke up... I still miss every single thing about him, he was the best thing that ever happened to me, no matter how much we argued, no matter how much we told each other we hated them.. it was never true, I loved that boy with everything I had, I still do, and I never knew I could hurt like this, this feeling is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I will stay in love with the boy who wont be named.. for the rest of my life, he was for a fact the best thing ever, he made me realise who I was, he made the real me, he showed me how to live and love my life. Now I sit here and wish I could go back in time, but I can't, and we can't make everything okay, we just threw the blame back and forth, but I've got to tell him how I'm feeling, so wish me luck.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Fresh New Start

Feels so weird reading back on the past, on things that I can't even remember happening, realising how much things really have changed, how certain things have got better, certain things have got worse. How I've left school and started college.. I decided I needed a new start about 6 months ago, me and Jordan broke up, and this time, it didn't effect me, I couldn't fight it any more, i can't fight him, i can't argue, i've got way too much to be thinking about with college, looking for a job, my new boyfriend.. it's so weird how things change.. like seriously. I've got so much to say, I just don't know where to start, i've done my GCSE'S! one less thing to worry about, but now i'm on to a-levels and wow,

Saturday, 6 November 2010

The second chapter of the many

where did I get too? Somewhere along the lines of.. Him starting to talk to me more.. Well it escalated, alot. He told me he was falling completely in love with me. I was very shocked, I mean I was only 13 I didn't know what love was at this point. So I said it back.. I felt alot more, different about him that I ever had before.. Like I felt like I was falling in love with him. He was still with this girl, my friend, as I told his bestfriend it wouldn't work, because I was falling for his best friend, he was fine with it and as he said a couple of days ago, he just thought too his self "who's my next victim then?" I laughed it off, but we were both young at the time, so we were both too young too still understand what love was, the story keeps getting better and better. This guy stayed with his girlfriend for about a week longer, I got really.. Confused about this, as I thought he was just stringing me on, and in school the day that they ended I saw what I thought was the pair of them hugging, but really he was telling her that it was over. He didn't tell her about the 'me and him' until later on that night on msn, because he didn't want too hurt her more than he already had. It was slightly unfair, as she lost her virginity too him. As I knew he wasn't a virgin, I spoke to him about this, as I thought he would just be in this for the.. Sex. He told me he wasn't but I was weary whether to trust him, believe him, whatever you wish too call it. We waited a while to make us 'public'. I spoke to his ex girlfriend and she didn't really like the idea of us, but as long as we kept it to ourselves until she was okay with it, and slightly getting over him. Which I thought was fair enough. There is the end of the second chapter of the love

A chapter of the story.

It had all started when i must have only been about 13 years old. He was the guy that all the girls in our click had their eyes on. Not me too start out with, i admit i had something there for him. But I was after his best friend at this point. He was something I'll give him that, he seemed like a lush person and before i knew it we became as close as anything, talking on msn until early hours of the morning, he became my best friend. Me and his bestfriend were still going on about getting together by this point, and a few weeks of getting to know him, he was trying to help me and his best friend together. It wa a few days in to helping us, he told me and said something exactly along the lines to me of "What the fuck am I doing? Look, pleae don't get with Tom, I'm falling for you". At this point he was with one of my friends, who remains anonymous as everyone else in this, chapter. I was amazingly shocked, I mean I thought he felt strongly about the girl who he was with, and I thought to myself, you must be joking, right? I asked him, he said he wasn't.. He asked me to go and meet him somewhere, so I thought to myself, yeah why not. So I did, we were stood there talking, he took is phone out of his pocket, and I stole it off him and went through his pictures as you do. I saw one where he looked bloody gorgeous, and said to him. That should be your facebook profile picture, you look gorgeous! He looked back at me, and smiled, you are always gorgeous. I turned into a little school girl. I beamed a smile at him. He hugged me and we were just stood there for about a hour in eachothers arms, we finally let go and he said, I've gotta go now, but I'll speak to you when you get back? Make sure you ring me when you do because I want to know you're safe. I replied with a nod and a smile. He winked at me and he got on his way. I got home and quickly turned my laptop on too see if he was on msn. He was so I waited for him to speak to me, within second of me signing in there was a wink face. I waited a minute or two to reply, and replied back with a 'cheeekkyyy' and the conversation started. This is where this chapter ends, please read the next about a story of a girl really in need of her friends.

I dont care anymore.

My life had revolved around one guy for 2 years, and I am done with those 2 years now, I can't live in the past and wish away the rest of my life, I need to get on with it and start thinking ahead, start looking for a new life, one that doesn't take me for granted, one that loves me and cherish's me. I need too show him that I don't need him to make me happy, I don't need to be dependent on him to make my life worth living. Of course I'm still in love with him, I just know I don't need him too be happy. This proves to myself and him that I have grown up alot. I might still be a child in the eyes of the law, but in my head and everyone elses eyes I am more mature than I have ever been before in my life. So I will begin the story and put it too an end, because everyone deserves the satisfaction of letting all of the anger out, this is my first blog explaining about my crazy experiences with crazy loonatic people. My next blog will be about what actually happened in those 2 years. So it'll be a big blog most definitely. :) So yeah. :)